The Distinction Between Dominance and Abuse

Let's take a moment to dispel your INSTINCTS before delving into how to behave like a true Dom—someone worthy of reverence and "worship"—because the majority of what you are tempted to do is incorrect and stems from misunderstandings of BDSM propagated by others who don't comprehend it.

If you're just posing because it's the newest and trendiest thing in current culture, or if you truly understand the "language," a sub seasoned in the lifestyle will be able to tell right away.

Being a master starts with understanding that GOOD COMMUNICATION is essential.

Tip #7: Don't forget to share your opinions with your sub. Your words serve as a means of communication. The slave should never be in doubt about what you are saying or seeking.

The sub won't go out of her way to comprehend you and follow your instructions. By talking to the sub, you set up a power dynamic and rapidly discover what makes the sub tick and what kind of conduct the sub anticipates from you.

The Doms and subs' patterns

Tip #8: Play the game in accordance with the correct formula to ensure that the slave's sensual, physical, and emotional needs are satisfied.

This fundamental formula is the same for any other kind of sexual activity.

Interaction and Consent/Agreement

Have fun

Following Care

Debriefing

In order to communicate, the partners talk about what they hope to get out of the role play and the experience. This is typically the period of time when strangers get to know one another and prove to one another that they are not actually insane murderers but rather sensible, reasonable, and fun-loving individuals!

Couples also talk about their boundaries and what they will never, ever do at this point. Safety is brought up, be it as a "safe word" or just a preemptive discussion of forbidden topics.

Regardless of whether the conversation is "in character" or not, all words should be taken seriously as they are part of the agreement. The next step is the agreement phase, which is only a mutual validation of all principles and standards.

The "scene" or role play that follows is where they get to really act out and break taboos, all the while adhering to the agreements that were made in the first part.

As the Master intends to give the sub just as much pleasure-pain as he or she has consented to tolerate, things do get intense during Play, which is why the aftercare is required. It is usual for lovers to embrace each other after emotionally taxing and sometimes physically titillating or painful "scenes" so they can decompress, re-establish their connection, and physically recover—perhaps by eating or drinking some water.

The debriefing, which is akin to an after-show at an actor's studio, comes next. The participants talk about how the scene went, what they liked and didn't like about it, offering helpful comments to make future scenes "just right."

Abusers' and masochists' patterns

Since there actually isn't a word for people who are tormented by self-loathing and who want to be harmed and humiliated, we shall refer to them as "masochists" for want of a better term. The abuser adheres to a completely distinct pattern:

Aggression or Disrespect, either Physical or Verbal

Shame

Justifications

I apologize.

Organizing

Arrangement

First, the abuser's only goal is to physically and/or emotionally mistreat the other spouse. During the guilt phase, the abuser starts to fear being discovered, getting caught, or possibly losing the abused spouse.

The abuser then continues to offer justifications for his actions, continuing to abuse. Typically, he will assign blame, offer justifications, and explain why he must be harsh and violent.

The abuse eventually becomes too much to bear, and the "masochist" will get tired of the tricks. At this moment, the abuser apologizes, transforms into the "perfect man," usually turning into a "nice guy," and complies with all of the masochist's requests. The masochist now begins to justify himself by saying that he is evolving.

After a while, the abuser will begin to lose control and plot how to reclaim it, such by abusing additional people and waiting for the ideal opportunity to attack.

The goal is to keep the masochist in a constant state of tension and unease so that she is too scared to say anything that could annoy her violent partner.

Tip #9: Make sure you stop thinking and acting in any abusive ways.

If you have never really read about the intricacies of being a Dom, it may come naturally to you to adopt an abusive role. Thus, be sure to remove any evidence of oppressive mistreatment.

The Implications of a Master-Slave Relationship in BDSM

As you can see, real BDSM makes Dom and sub feel extremely distinct feelings.

An expert who comprehends discipline and the psychology of pleasure and suffering, as indicated by the following formula:

uses physical experiences to produce joy

exchanges power voluntarily so that each partner feels strong in their position—even if the sub is "the obedient one"

It excites the sub to see the Dom.

The Creator GENERATES reliance

Both the slave and the master experience fulfillment.

It is important that both spouses communicate and support one another.

The "rules" established at the initial phase of discussion are adhered to by the Master.

You'll notice, however, that abuse elicits the exact opposite kind of feelings.

The masochist sustains psychological or bodily harm.

There is no power in the sub.

Negotiations don't take place.

The sub is nervous around the Master and fears him.

Trust in any form is destroyed.

There is only the abuser imposing his will; there is no communication.

The threshold is raised each time the abuser consistently crosses limits, disobeys the law, and gets away with a bit more abuse.

Sure, watching a suspenseful film like Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct where a single aggressive character pushes someone to the verge of insanity on a regular basis is sexy. But in a true BDSM relationship, neither you nor your sub will desire that. Real discipline is the complete opposite of misogyny and abuse.

In the upcoming blogs, we'll talk more about this, precisely what you should be doing in place of mistreating your slave.

Take this tip with you, for the time being. Your intention is for your sub to adore you, respect the guidance you provide, and yearn for your company. A sub who is nervous, cries out for assistance, or questions if she's enjoying this is not someone you want on your team.

That's why the BDSM community says, and does so so effectively, to simplify the ideology:

It's the sub that has the power. By enforcing the punishment the sub requests, the Master makes her happy.

Let's move on to the role of the master now that common misconceptions have been cleared up.